I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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