just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
