I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
