Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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