A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
meet me or not, i'm out of control
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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