my vag is so smooth its legendary
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
