I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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