She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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