Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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