What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
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We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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