why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
