Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
