All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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