Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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