those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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