The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Randomize
