there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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