sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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