I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
