the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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