so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
