There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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