Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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