After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
