i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
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Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize