I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I need to align my fucking chakras
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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