i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Randomize
