I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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