why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
what's the vibe there?
extraordinary amounts of gine
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
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Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
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I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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