you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
