i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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