I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I pour the whiskey from now on
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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