Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Blood and glitter go together right?
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
