I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
