Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
