We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
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