Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
