why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
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