Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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