woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
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finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
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