It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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