So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
