I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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