once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
