I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
