I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
