Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
NoShamevember. You game?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
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