you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Randomize
