I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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