Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
