He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
