He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
