I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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