Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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