Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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