Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
