at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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