Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
