She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
