What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
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