whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
