Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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